July 10th, 2024 - Narcissists, StartUps, and New Beginnings
Navigating Failure, Fatherhood, and Finding Myself Again
Picked up a book again. After years of not being "allowed" or "able" to read, I bought Atomic Habits. Feels good, like finding an old friend in a bar.
Life's been kicking me around. Last year, I had my startup. Had hope. Believed it would work out. Then, snap. It’s over. Investors didn’t want to pump more money in. They were right. I knew it, felt it for months. Fired everyone, including myself. Funny, huh?
Then the "marriage" – we never actually got married, but that's another story – fell apart. Saw that coming too. No big deal, right? Except we’ve got two boys, 6 and 2. That complicates things.
Four years in startup hell, raising $5 million, building a product nobody wanted. Not quite McKinsey salary, and now it’s a struggle to find a job, pay the bills. Realized my partner’s a covert narcissist. Fell for her charm, let her treat me like shit. Verbal abuse, gaslighting. Stayed for the kids.
Last weekend, told her I wanted a separation. Expected her to flip out, try to ruin me/us. But no, she was surprisingly constructive. Wants to sort everything out. Everyone keeps what they have. My lawyer thinks she already got advice. Damn, she’s probably right. The kids’ passports are gone. She’s ahead of me. Need to catch up.
Suddenly, all the demands, all the harassment, gone. The "you need to pay for everything because I paid more in the past" crap vanished. Ridiculous in a partnership anyway, especially since she always earned more. We both worked for McKinsey before the startup.
She wants me around for the kids, but also to pay. I’m working, juggling 3-4 different projects at once, making $1.5k a day, and still no money left at the end of the month.
So, reading again. Truth be told, I’m a slow reader. Always was, always will be. Dyslexic, pretty severe. Hated reading until my late teens. Then I started. Read a lot of fiction, sci-fi, thrillers. Could read for a whole weekend. Started loving it. Now I’m back at it with Atomic Habits. Thought I’d start a diary too, process what I’m going through. A lot has happened. Need to process, heal, get back up.
And as Ted Lasso said, ‘Be a goldfish.’
So long. Talk tomorrow.